Dr. Saida Desilets
Fun. Feisty. Fabulous! Podcast Guest and Guest Blogger
The #MeToo posts that swept through social media recently have lifted the conversation of sexual abuse and harassment out of the shadows and into the spotlight.
Along the way, these posts, and the responses to them, revealed something big…
As men came forward and shared their own #metoo posts, acknowledging the abuse they’ve experienced, they got met with anger and criticism.
Some women reacted with, “This is about the women, not you!” and “Who are you to #metoo? You’re the cause of this problem in the first place!”
I’m sorry to say, but these women, while possibly well intentioned and part of the female empowerment movement, have gotten it wrong. Their reaction reflects a huge lack of understanding. We do NOT need to get angry and push away the masculine. That’s the cause of alienation in the first place.
This righteous anger keeps us small and limited. It also reveals our own wounding: We women don’t have a healthy relationship with our inner masculine.
We don’t honor our boundaries.
We don’t say NO when we mean NO.
We don’t speak up for ourselves.
How can we have the intimate, sexually exciting and satisfying relationships we desire when we’re struggling with our own inner masculine?
How can we invite men into our lives to be allies and collaborators for the changes we wish to see in the world when we’re disconnected from our own inner masculine?
The outer reflects the inner.
The best way to change what’s going on in our relationships is to do the inner work required to heal this wound.
It’s time to stop pointing fingers and start looking at – and actively engaging with – our own inner masculine wounding. Only when we heal our inner split can we begin to heal the schism in our relationships and the collective.
3 Keys To Healing Your Relationship With The Inner Masculine
Use these 3 keys to heal the split within so you can experience the wholeness and fulfillment that comes from the “inner marriage”: the dynamic unification of the inner masculine and the inner feminine. Only then can you experience it in your romantic partnership and beyond.
Key #1: Know & Honor Your Boundaries
Picture a river flowing peacefully through the countryside. The current can be strong in places, languid in others. It knows where it is heading. Yet the river requires a strong, firm riverbank to hold and contribute to its power and direction. The river shapes the bank just as the bank in turn shapes the path of the river.
This is the beautiful dance of the masculine and the feminine, especially when it comes to boundaries. We, the feminine flowing river, require the masculine river bank; the clear and firm boundaries to uphold our power and integrity.
Without boundaries, without the riverbank, we merge with others and lose all sense of self. Yet with rigid boundaries, we lose our own fluidity and flow, and aren’t able to receive support and contributions from other sources. With clear and firm boundaries, we’re able to be in more intimate and real relationship with ourselves and others.
Key #2: Honor Your NO
As women we have been domesticated to be pleasant and accommodating. We become people-pleasers and avoid any form of conflict.
We’ve misinterpreted NO to mean something is wrong, something is bad, and our relationship with whomever we’re saying NO to is now in jeopardy. For how can someone still like, respect and even love us if we say NO to their request or demand?
But the reality is, your unspoken NO does more damage to you than anyone else. Your unspoken NO erodes trust and confidence in yourself; it dissolves your sense of self-worth; and it also leaves you high at risk for developing depression or heart disease or other physical-emotional-mental ailment that occurs with this kind of stress on your body.
So, my dear, I strongly encourage you to begin honoring your NO. When something doesn’t feel right, honor your own knowing. That’s where your NO begins.
Key #3: Honor Your Voice & Speak Up
In many of the #metoo posts I read, women shared how, as they were being violated, they couldn’t yell out. They could hear the words in their mind wanting to be screamed, “NO!” and “HELP!” and “What’s going on? This is NOT okay!” But their voices were on lockdown. They couldn’t speak out, even though they knew what was occurring was wrong.
If you have also had this experience, I really want you to know you’re not alone. I’ve also had this experience and know how painful it is. Not speaking up in a situation that we know is harmful to ourselves or another often leads to self-loathing and judgment… but that response will not change or heal anything.
As I already shared in Key #2, we as women have been trained to remain silent, to not speak up for ourselves or others. It’s daring for us to honor our voices and speak up! It’s revolutionary! And it’s essential to our evolution as individuals and the collective.
As you put these 3 keys into practice, you’ll discover a whole new dynamically unified YOU. And when you’re experiencing the “inner marriage,” you will become more attractive to the kinds of relationships and partnerships you truly desire.